WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

I have always been a fruitful ground for ideas out of the box, but now looking back I see some clear bigger turning points and the most absurd one was this. About a year ago I stopped identifying with my identity.

That’s was my standard answer when people ask how I am or what happened to me, since it must have looked a bit odd from outside. I stopped taking the expected, smart steps to be successful, or at least to get along in this life.

I think it has always been happening to individuals around the world, but nowadays it has become something to achieve, a trend to write about. Media is serving us more and more stories about celebrities who understood that fame doesn’t fulfil them so they turned to spirituality. Maybe they found a relief from guru who doesn’t look up to them and who they can look up to instead. We hear stories of people who had it all in the sense that modern western society defines success. Still they couldn’t feel satisfied, so now we are flooded with business people turned into life coaches, healers and channels telling people how to reach their full human potential and find a true self.

I didn’t find myself. I didn’t loose all my fears or start to radiate pure bliss. I think that was what I was unconsciously aiming at though, with all my searching. Instead I lost myself. A self. As a consequence of that I instinctively drove my life as it was to a wall. I was close to graduating as a designer, but when I started walking to school my feet walked me to forest instead. Eventually I resigned against almost everyone’s advice. I totally agree with them, it would have been smart to graduate, I just couldn’t do smart anymore. After some isolated days in meditation my humanness felt odd and silly. I went to grocery store and asked for advice to find supplies, but I couldn’t almost find the words. It felt so absurd to stand there with the grocery lady doing the client service situation like we are two different entities. All the time I felt like I will somehow give myself away, that it shines from me that I don’t do human very well anymore. But no, instead I noticed that people are so absorbed in themselves that they don’t look much outside. I resigned my apartment, and my studio. Having an online identity on top on this actual self which also started to feel alien seemed absurd, so I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram. After that I fell into nice oblivion from my social circles, people have such busy lives nowadays that nobody called me much when I wasn’t popping up in their news feed. When I met my friends and tried to put into words my experience they said it sounds like I’m depressed. I had all the symptoms of depression, no motivation to do anything, no feeling of meaning. Just the feeling of being depressed wasn’t there.

After a while I realised this feeling will not undo itself anymore, so I need to learn to function with it. I did get out of my old country and context but eventually I just found new one, that served me better. I tangled myself back to human emotions but from a choice, and still it’s a funny thought to choose the reality you are in, even in some extent. I believe it is possible to go much further in this than where I am now. I keep coming back to the definition that truth is that which doesn’t disappear if you stop believing in it. I find it calming.

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