I’ve heard many statements about a good lover. I learned even more attributes while growing up. Like most people, I haven’t noticed these subconscious messages until I started to question them in adult age. Most of my sexual interactions have had the ideal of a good lover hovering around somewhere above the bed, specially with new partners. You might be surprised, but I have found a pattern that the men who are surely nested in their identity as a good lover are often …not. Who would have thought. However, what often goes unnoticed masked in the arrogance is the deep anxiety and desire to be a good lover. Nobody wants to be a bad lover, and asking “Am I a good lover?“ would require a great vulnerability. I don’t think it’s the right question to ask anyway, even though it’s beautiful and a necessity to learn to have curiosity of your partners desires.

A guy once asked me after a date to rate him on a number scale of how well he did. It showed me so obviously of what kind of a wall he sees separating men and women in the dating market that I decided it wasn’t my job to tear it down. For the sake of fairness I did give him the real reason of why I didn’t want to meet again. I am interested in meeting people as they are, connecting if we connect and if not then why would it be in their interest either to meet again? Because I’m hot maybe, never mind the rest.

So what is the real good question to ask if your genuine interest is to enhance sexual connection? First of all it starts from yourself. Ask and get to know what do you like. For real, without shame and before you were influenced by others. Then ask yourself what is your idea of a good lover and where does it come from, from yourself or from someone else, and if so, do you agree with it? What is your definition of a good lover for the gender you are interested to have sex with, and does the definition change when you think of yourself as a good lover? If you are interested in opposite sex and don’t have the experience of being in their body, please don’t rely on image that porn and media industry gave you. Actually even if you are interested in same sex remember that you have no experience in how they sense things from their body. Dare to ask. If you don’t have that kind of culture with friends to talk openly about sex, go to internet. The answers might be more honest than in real life, but keep a critical eye for the ones who might find it funny to state that men like to hear national anthem, sparkly poop in their belly buttons and a video of that sent to their grandmothers during sex. Everyone is different! Which brings me memories of how I told some guys that I don’t like something they were doing and how they answered “But I did this with my ex and she really liked it!“. Don’t do that either. Just a tip..

My idea of a good lover is someone real. I don’t mind if you are coming too fast or not able to come at all (or don’t want to come at all if you are into tantra and all that), if I’m already in bed with you I don’t care about the size of your penis or if you have a mole somewhere that you hate. Most likely I will research your body for a while since I’m curious of the uniqueness of different bodies, not to rate it or criticise it. What really makes sex amazing for me is what we create together, and that can be anything. If there is no connection there is things to learn how to make that connection happen, but it’s not anyone’s responsibility to make that happen. Not the men’s, nor the women’s. What are probably the biggest damaging influences to my sex life are that men don’t question the role models they get from porn, so they have a very scripted idea of how the sex rolls forward and what’s their job in it, and shame coming from religions and society that has blocked people from exploring their own desires and caused guilt for getting to know their own unique bodies. I often wonder how would the sex life be of two people who are attracted to each other, grown up without outside influences on a remote island. It’s a nice mind game to play.

I have come to conclusion that I have better sex when I get to know the person, and getting to know a person takes a bit of time. At first this was hard to accept for me, coming from subculture where there is a strong movement against sexual prejudice. The need to separate ourselves from all judgements was so strong, that it was hard to think that maybe sex with strangers is just not for me, although it can be fun, safe and responsible. Even when there has been a very strong connection and talking has been easy from the start there has been coming up surprising things in their behaviour when things turn sexual. Sometimes I completely surprise myself from loosing the attraction too fast, for both of our disappointment, even a while ago I was convinced that this is a person who will never stop amazing me. The atmosphere is more relaxed and the connection is stronger when I have had the safe sex talk, and the emotional safety talk preferably in a non-sexual situations. It’s surprisingly hard to ask in the perfect heated dreamy sex moment when is that last time my partner got tested, or if they are planning on a long term relationship if we now have sex. Even if we both agree on that we are not in it for a lasting relationship, just asking it in a certain way in certain moment might create power structures or imbalances that influence the atmosphere in a sad way.

Like we concluded with my partner when I asked him about this, the same communication skills that are so necessary in other life become even more important in sexual interactions when it’s likely to be in one way or another a vulnerable situation and misunderstandings easily happen. And whoever I ask, one thing is always the same, sex is better with feelings. I leave it up to your preference weather you want love, spiritual connection, aggression, lust or all of it.